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This is the second year and I still wonder. As the days draw closer I ponder more, reflect more and become more grateful for life.
A phone call I received today shook me more than I would have liked to admit. It was a confirmation of what I thought I knew but had somehow denied (maybe said, but still consciously denied) in the last year or two. Stated quite simply, I was at deaths door and I returned. Near death experiences were before now the stuff of movies with their portrayal of sinking or spinning by turning light tunnels that either progressively become darker or brighter. Maybe that was why I believed before now that I could not have been that close to death. I had neither, I had just slept and woken up hours after to a great deal of fuss around me. Waking up did not put a stop to this but only aggravated minds.
I was not getting better but progressively worse. Waking up to see and hear doctors say the worst about me (within earshot) suprisingly did not scare me. I was so sure that I would make it that their grim prognosis did not sink my spirit, it just bounced off me like a ping-poll ball. I cannot say what it was that made me so sure, maybe because I did not understand all the jargon spoken or I did not feel as bad as I thought I should …. I do not know for sure, but despite the pain I knew I would walk out of the hospital.
Looking back now I realise this was a test of sorts, I had NEVER experienced a situation that was capable of lowering my spirits to such depths. I realise that I could have responded differently, I could have cried/blamed through it? I did neither and I do not know why.
Instead I believe I fought (without realising what I was doing) and resolved to live without consciously doing that….. This might not make sense but as I reflect on the events of July 2007 over and over again, I can only conclude that I was near the gates of death and the gates were unopened to me for a reason. That reason I believe is what I’ve been searching for since then.
This might sound like the writings of one who has refused to let go of an event that did not end tragically as we are wont to believe death is, however, I make no excuses for these jottings of mine and only say to the extent the events shaped me, I can commisserate with a mother or child mourning her loss and refusing to let go.
I do not want to hold on to those events (and I cant as each days passing gradually but surely shapes and shakes my remembrance of those painful days but I do not want the passing of days to make me numb to the simple and mostly cliched fact that ‘LIFE is to be enjoyed to the FULLEST’
Lord, I am grateful for LIFE!
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25/05/2009 at 7:06 pm Permalink
Pele Toyin. You owe no explanation as to why you revisit the issue.
“Eni t’oba mo inu ro, a m’ope da.”
A thoughtful fellow is a grateful one.
Enjoy – life!
17/11/2009 at 9:49 am Permalink
Ajani said it all, a thoughtful fellow will (certainly) know how to give praise. No wonder our God is called Kabiyesi – The Unquestionable One.
27/11/2009 at 1:59 pm Permalink
I agree – Enjoy life!! So sorry to hear you went through that – I thank God along with you – for your life, and for mine. Thank you. This post was intriguing – I will have to follow up with you on this….